By Ali Moyer
So as I was performing my head of household duties, which consist of folding laundry, putting away laundry, loading laundry, sorting laundry, stacking my daughters laundry in a pile so I can put it away when she’s not sleeping, loading the dish washer, laundry, vacuuming, laundry, picking up the array of DVD’s that my brilliant 11 month old child has decided are the coolest toy ever to arrange in some sort of pattern all over the floor, and yes more laundry, I was trying to think of ways to cut back on all the housework. I am still trying to come to grip with the fact that I have a whole two bedroom two bath apartment that I am solely responsible for picking up, cleaning, mopping, and doing laundry.
Why on earth do we have so many clothes? Why do I always have to buy new clothes? Yes, my child is constantly growing so there is the answer for that. But gosh I don’t need more clothes, I just need to do six or seven loads of laundry daily and I would be good. I come to the realization that I wish I had more places to hide dirty laundry but if I hid all my dirty laundry I would never do laundry and therefore just keep buying clothes. Soon, my family would call the show Hoarders and say “You must help my daughter she won’t wash her clothes! She just hides them once they are intolerably pitted with body order, stained with things like ketchup or even fecal matter, and unable to be worn anymore and goes out and buys more clothes!”
I can see it now; the show would follow me secretly as I spent all my money on clothes, and in the worst case of being addicted to hiding my laundry and just getting new clothes they may even catch me shoplifting when out of money and clean clothes. They would see me burglarizing houses -going into people drawers and stealing nothing but their clean, and nicely, folded laundry; leaving all valuables and dirty laundry behind. Dirty clothes would be hid in every nook and cranny of my apartment, socks and underwear under couch cushions, jeans under the sink, towels and pajamas in the closet, along with all dirty sheets and shirts. I have three closets, eight cabinets, 12 drawers, a couch a sofa, and a half bath I would have stuffed to the ceiling with dirty clothes. My mother would come to and try and help me but I would quickly run around with duct tape and tape all openings shut to where my dirty clothes were hid. I would have dirty clothes stacked in the dryer the washer, on the shelf and I would jam the laundry closet door shut and duct tape it closed. I simply would refuse to deal with the fact I had dirty clothes and if the subject was brought up I would hyper-ventilate.
I picture my apartment slowly starting to stink with smell of dirty, dirty clothes. The body odor coming out of every nook and cranny, people’s eyes would start watering and they would gag uncontrollably until screaming, “WHY WON’T YOU JUST WASH YOUR CLOTHES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!” They’d run out of my apartment and slam the door. As soon as they were gone I would just start smiling and singing “Somewhere over the Rainbow” not fazed by the odor refusing to believe I had any dirty clothes and my daughter crying because she couldn’t have friends over because of all the clothes. CPS would come or I would be committed to a mental institution and I would start rocking back and forth every time anyone said anything about clothes. Sh*T! I could never be that nuts well that ends that fantasy and I get back to the laundry duties. As I continue along, my mind keeps thinking about ways to cut back on laundry, I know I can have designated clothes that I wear at the house when I am not doing anything like a robe or house jeans and a sweater. You know similar to something you see on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Then I realize that makes for a lot of changing and I would still need a couple pair of house clothes as well as going out clothes which would lead to the same amount of laundry. I would just have the same outfits to wash over and over again. That won’t work either. Then it hits me, “THAT’S IT I JUST WON’T WEAR CLOTHES AT HOME.” However, I do leave my house everyday whether it’s to run to the store or go to work. Taking out the trash would be impossible and I couldn’t even have my windows open because walking around naked all the time just is not normal in society today. I think you can even be arrested for it. I would have to become a registered sex offender all because I did not want to do laundry.
Alas, I will still need to wear clothes. I’ve now realized that this is how people decide to run away and start nudist colonies. Not because they like being naked but because they do not have the mental capability to handle the amount of laundry it takes to have clean clothes. The idea doesn’t seem so crazy when I think of it that way. I would prefer my nudist colony not to have mirrors because I really wouldn’t enjoy looking at myself naked all day. Another, light bulb goes off, and I definitely don’t want to look at every one else naked all day. YUCK!!! So no nudist colony for me, not yet, I can still handle doing laundry. That may change someday but just so you know if I ever do decide to join a nudist colony this will be why. Now back to the laundry…